Dear Daughter,

I was very disappointed in our phone conversation. We were hoping for a “Hi mom and dad, I really miss y’all and am working really hard at my recovery”, instead I felt as if you were demanding answers from us that we are not prepared to give. The only sure thing we do know is that life cannot go back to the way it was before you went to GraceWay. Whether you want to accept it or not, your dad and I are both in active recovery. This is a devastating illness that affects the whole family. I am going to Al-Anon and I think it is helping me deal with a lot of what has happened. I have come to realize that my behavior was also sick. I was always trying to control what happened, and fix the outcome, keeping you away from certain people that I thought were a bad influence. I was obsessively worrying about everything you did. I was also very angry at you, so you weren’t the only one that was mad. I have thought about so many things that happened over the last couple of years and so much of it was pure insanity. The most amazing thing of all is that you are not dead. Towards the end, we truly never knew if you would come home, overdose, suffer from alcohol poisoning, or if we would get a phone call that you had been in a terrible wreck, or that some strange man took you and hurt you. We lived in constant fear and horrible things were always in our mind. Some of those things did happen, and I thank God everyday that you survived. I know that our love is messed up, but you do and always will have it no matter what you choose for yourself and your own life.

I know that I am not a perfect mom, but I have come to see how messed up our relationship was. I was stuck right on that merry-go-round of the disease with you, but didn’t know it. Our whole relationship was based on lies that you told. So, all of my decisions concerning you were made out of fear and based on mistrust. I never believed a word that came out of your mouth even if you were telling the truth. I just did not trust you so I began assuming the worst.

We did not understand how you could look at us and tell us one thing and then go out and do the opposite. You probably did feel as if we were smothering you, because we were scared to death. We wanted to believe that this was just a normal phase and you would grow out of it, but now we understand that there was nothing “normal” about anything that was going on. We were in denial. I also understand that when we would say, “Why don’t you just stop – aren’t you tired of getting into trouble?” you didn’t want to do many of the things you did do, but it was out of your control. I will never forget the day you were sitting on our bedroom floor and we just kept asking you, “Why, why, why, why?” and you finally looked at us with truth in your eyes and said you didn’t know. Now that was the truth and I wish we had been strong enough or wise enough to do something then. Everybody saw the involved, protective mother I pretended to be, when really, I was always mad and scared to death. I now know that I didn’t understand the problem and I certainly did not see the kind of pain you were in. I am sorry for not seeing the pain, but I want you to know there will be simply no more manipulation.

I realize that you blame me for you ending up at GraceWay. At the time, we were trying to make the best decision for the circumstances. I think it was the best decision and I will not apologize for trying to save your life because your life is worth saving. I believe it and I want you to believe it too. It is time for all of us to move forward beyond the shame and guilt. I love you and that will never change. I may have to learn a different way to love you that helps to meet your needs and mine. In order for us to move forward recovery is the only option. I hope and pray everyday that you want recovery because you deserve it. No one can do this for you, but you. You deserve a wonderful life full of people that love you. I hope I can be one of those people.

You said you wanted your mom back and I want to be back but I also want my daughter back. She is there, so please don’t give up trying to find her. I cannot imagine the burden this disease has put on you but I have to believe there is a reason that we might not yet even see. I am working on my relationship with God, too, and it does feel good.

I am trying to give you the respect you deserve in taking responsibility for your own actions, no matter what happens – good or bad – I have realized it is you who must live with the results. I am working very hard to find peace and accept things that are out of my control. I can only control myself and my own life. I am trying to take one day at a time. I have placed you in God’s hands because there is no safer place for you to be. So many people love you and are praying for your recovery.

I look forward to hearing from you and all about your days and the work you are doing there. We miss you very much. We hope to hear from you soon.

I love you!
Mom